| my life, or at least the past few years seem to be just a bunch of failed expectations. maybe i set my expectations to high, or maybe, i don't know hwat. but i do know that the only reason one ever feels like a failure is because they have not lived up to their own, or someone elses expectations. in the case of someone else's expectations, it is usually someone they love and care about and want to please, but in the end, they take their expectations for themself on to their own backs.
i was in the gifted program in school. i had a 3.5 gpa without trying at all in high school. now, i am an unemployed college dropout (not technically, but honestly, i am). that hurts. and, most of what hurts about it, most of what makes it failure is that to me, college was going to be kind of my "wonder years" i was going to grow and morph into a beautiful woman of God, i was going to become someone that i didn't think i was then. as wierd as it is, 3 years out of high school, i am a beautiful woman of God. i am stronger than i ever thought i would or could be. i have been through more than i thought i would in my whole life, much less 3 years later.
i struggle with feeling like i have let down my teachers in high school, because they always pushed me to do my best. inside i know that i haven't let them down, because those whose opinions i care about, i have seen since then, and they are proud of me. i have trouble remembering that i'm not 17 years old about to start my senior year of high school with the world in front of me. i forget that i am a 21 year old college drop-out who can't seem to get even the crappiest of jobs.
as much as i love talking to my friends from high school (as rarely as that is), or even my contemporaries from college, it breaks my heart. even though i will probably (hopefully) be getting my bachelors the same year at least 2 of them do, it's hard.
i am a dreamer, and i never drempt i would be were i'm at today. i never drempt i could feel such enormous feelings of failure, yet know they aren't true. i never drempt i would have friends so close yet so distant. i never drempt my life would go as it has gone, and yet, if i could, i wouldn't change what has happened in my life.
in all honesty, this journal/blog/xanga/whatever you are reading right here, it is my story of beating the odds. it is my turnaround story. it begins a week or two before my third hosptialisation, goes through the hospitalisation, to the todd agnew concert, and it is me sharing all of my emotions and dealings with for 2 years (pretty much).
i try to focus on what good God has given me, and it's hard to move beyond the simple things, such as my life, and family. i don't see myself as blessed, i see myself as a beat up little kid just trying to make it.
the big question on my heart right now is "where do i go from here?" or at least "what do i do for the year until i can go to MoBap?" i need to look for jobs in macon. i try and keep up with the classifieds, but honestly i find them depressing. unless you are interesting in nursing or trucking, there is no job future for you in this area (unless you have a bachelors). so i guess i will find a crap job (at least to my standards) and make do until i go to MoBap next year, and seeing as i am an eternal dreamer, things will go fabuolously at MoBap. i'll be that much older, that much more mature, taht much more grounded in Christ, and I will finish my degree in about 2 years, and then i will go work for a missions organization somewhere different for awhile, and i will serve God.
kind of pathetic that i can't find any ways to serve God here, right now. why do i seem ot think i need a bachelors degree to serve God? that's crap thinkin right there dude. but i don't really know what i can do here. i don't know.
God, open my eyes and my heart to what you want me to do this year until i go to St. Louis. Lord heal my heart. give me the strength to continue on, even when it hurts like hell. help me to stay focused on you, which i've been doing a rather pathetic job of lately. Jesus continue to grow me into the woman you desire me to be. amen
well friends, that is a long and deep post from a pickle who hasn't been doing much posting lately and really needs to be becuase there's a lot going on she's not dealing with.
my friends, i hope you don't think i'm a failure because i got "let go" from Lowes. i hope you don't think i'm a failure because i got "let go" on June 23rd and i STILL don't have a job. my friends, i hope that you never have to wonder if i will think you are a failure because of anything. my friends, i don't really think you will, but there will always be that lie in the back of my head that says i can't trust anyone, no matter how well i know them
my friends, i promise this is the last time i'll use the phrase "my friends" in this post.
until next time
Angela |
